Right Where I Am: 1 year, 2 months, 5 days

That's how long it's been since we lost Harris.  To be completely honest, in this moment of time I am *mostly* at peace in my grief.  I still miss him terribly, and each month I find myself reflecting on how old he would have been if he were still here, and what our life may have looked like with him in it.

But....

I have accepted that we will never know our son, and that we were never meant to.  I believe he was not meant to be with us any longer than his short 22 weeks.  I no longer blame myself, or count all of the "what if's" and "what may have been's".  My grief no longer feels like a strange, foreign appendage.  It is a part of me now, a part of what makes me me.  I am mostly happy these days, but if I had to describe in one word how I am feeling about the loss...it would be peace.

The hurt of having lost our baby is still so tangible, but much, much less sharp than it was in the early days.  The grief will sneak up on me some days.  Pregnant women.  The sight of a newborn.  Someone asking if I just have the one child.  These things used to be a guarantee to send me over the edge of my grief.  Now I'm usually able to maintain my balance on that edge. 

I mean, it was utterly heartbreaking, the pain of losing my child.  I never imagined I would ever feel this way.  I felt completely, and irrecoverably broken for a long, long time.  At this point in time, I am pieced back together, but those cracks will be there forever.

These days I am also feeling hope.  I am a realist by nature, but I hope and believe with my whole heart (and despite all of our struggles) that I will one day have another sweet baby to hold in my arms.

Peace and hope.  That is right where I am.


This post was inspired by a project over here: