Holy Shit Balls!

Well it's been a whole 18 days that I've been sitting on this little nugget.  The only reason I haven't shared until now is because I've been  Just. So. Tired.  I've had a nap every single day that I haven't been working since I found out.  And I don't nap.  Ever.  Definitely taking that as a good sign!  I'm also feeling nauseated, and am welcoming any dreadful pregnancy symptoms since I didn't experience any in the last pregnancy that resulted in miscarriage.  I go for an ultrasound next week, and until that's over with I can't help but being overcome with waves of anxiety about all of the potential "what if's".  Wish me luck, I'm praying that this one sticks and brings me a healthy, live, full term baby come February.  **Sigh**  One day at a time....

Anyway, here's how it all panned out when I found out...

I usually can't help myself and will end up testing a few days before my period's even due.  Needless to say, I've wasted a lot of money on negative pregnancy tests.  This month was a little different.  You see, I wasn't going to get pregnant this month.  I was on my month off of the fertility drugs and IUI's.  I needed a mental break from it all, so I also had taken a break from going to see my acupuncturist, the body talk sessions, my fertility massage therapist, my massage therapist that works in the voodoo room that everyone falls pregnant in.  I didn't use the OPK's this month.  I even ovulated on my "dud" side which is my left ovary.  I was having my caffeine.  I even had a beer or two.  I mean, I wasn't going to be pregnant anyway!!  Aside from obviously having sex with my husband at approximately the right time of the month, I can't even fathom how I became pregnant this month of all months.  So on day 27 when my period was nowhere in sight, I peed on that little blue and white stick and the universe said "HA!".

Now before you start in telling me that all I needed was to "stop obsessing over getting pregnant!" or "you just needed to relax!", I don't believe any of that ridiculousness.  Infertility is a real, actual problem and I can guarantee that the fertility clinic in my city doesn't see hundreds of couples each year just because they happen to be uptight and in need of a vacation.  Apparently my own sisters were discussing my situation and concluded that I was just trying too hard to get pregnant.  That was a good one (of course now they are gloating though)!  Trying too hard....so I should have tried less hard to get pregnant even though we both have issues that can make getting pregnant difficult?  Seriously, come on!  What I believe is that for whatever reason, this just happened to be the month it was meant to happen for us.  I have absolutely no idea why, but I couldn't be more pleased!  It was a fantastic surprise.

Once I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't help but think back to the conversation Rowan and I had just a few days prior (see my last post).  Maybe Rowan was right about that sister after all...

Faith

This morning Rowan was sitting watching one of her shows and looking glum.  "How come you look so sad?" I asked.  "I miss baby Harris" she replied.  I hugged her as she listed off a few things she would be doing with him as a baby if he were here with us now.  Later in the afternoon, she mentioned again how she was missing baby Harris.  I'm so sad for her that she isn't getting to have the experience of being a big sister, but it brings me happiness to know that she thinks about her brother.

For many of the past few months, Rowan has frequently talked about her sister.  As an only child (of the earthly variety), I assume she is talking about a sibling she may potentially have in the future.  In fact, she so often talks about this sister, she almost has me believing it.  She'll often talk about saving an outgrown pair of shoes or toy for her sister, or telling me that one day she will show her sister how to do something.  We've talked to her numerous times about how we hope that one day we will have another baby, and that she will get to have another sibling, but that it's not possible to pick if a baby will be a boy or girl.  

After dinner this evening, we had an extremely interesting conversation.  I was sitting on the chair in my living room and she comes over and hugs me and tells me "You're my best Mommy".  Then she said "I missed you."

"What do you mean you missed me?  I've been here with you all day."

"I missed you when I was away."

"You weren't away, you were here all day with me."

"No!  I missed you when I wasn't in your tummy."  

"You missed me when you weren't in my tummy?  Do you mean after you were born?"

"I missed you when I was with the other babies who were away."


A shiver went up my spine....


"What do you mean?  Do you mean you missed me after you were born?  You stayed with me the whole time.  We were still together even after you weren't in my tummy."

"No!  When I was with the other babies who were away."

"What other babies that are away?"

"The babies that are away!!!"  (At this point she's getting really frustrated at me for not understanding)

"Do you mean before you were in my tummy?"

"Yes!  I missed you when I was away."


More shivers....I believe I am understanding what she is trying to say.  Or at the very least, I am drawing my own conclusions.


"Did you choose me & Daddy when you were away?" 

"Yes, I chose you from a box." (hmmmm.....)


"Do you think Daddy and I have another baby that's away that will be in my tummy some day?"

"Yes.  A sister."


And so I have faith.