Surprise! It's Me, Grief!

Sometimes the grief just sneaks up on you.  Like this past weekend.  We headed out of town for the weekend to go camping with some other families who all have kids the same age as our daughter.  We were all looking forward to hanging out with our friends and just having a relaxing time in the outdoors.  On the way to the campground, me and the fam stopped for lunch at a little diner-type restaurant.  I was just feeling in a funk that morning and couldn't really figure out why.  I actually started crying in the middle of our lunch....perhaps I was still suffering from the hormone crash?  I hate that feeling of being so down, and not being able to pinpoint the reason why.  Or in hindsight I think I was kind of ignoring the reason(s) why. 

You see, this past Sunday was supposed to be my due date for the pregnancy I lost during my first miscarriage.  I shouldn't have even been on that camping trip.  And then two days after that was what should have been Harris' one year birthday.  Another reason I should have been at home that weekend.  When I initially found out that pregnancy #3's due date was just a year minus two days from Harris' due date, I kind of felt it was serendipitous.  A good sign.  Rowan's first birthday was such a big deal for me and I loved every minute of planning her party and making it perfect.  So thinking about what we SHOULD have been doing this past weekend was kind of despairing to say the least. 

So ok, I figured out why I was feeling so lousy, and I think I was allowed.  It's funny though, even though I knew these "dates" were looming, I just wasn't really expecting them to get to me so much.

I am still feeling ok after this last miscarriage.  Still haven't really shed any tears over it.  Don't get me wrong, it super sucks and I don't like this path we are on, but it is what it is.  It kind of feels odd to me, the lack of utter devastation that just isn't there this time.  Maybe I'm now so hardened inside that I'm just not as easily affected by huge disappointments?  I don't know if this is "normal", but it is truthfully just how I am feeling these days.

Gravida 4, Para 1

So it's finally over with.  The new familiarity of our situation feels somewhat unsettling.  Sunday afternoon I took the Misoprostol, and by Monday morning I miscarried our baby.  It took a little longer than last time (my last miscarriage was over with in a couple of hours once I took the medication), but I would still go this route again, God forbid I ever need to.  For me it was much less traumatic to be on my own couch at home, watching movies, curled up with my heating pad, than having to schedule a D&C at the hospital.  I work in a medical lab, so having to collect the "tissue" for me wasn't even that traumatic.  And Tylenol 3's apparently make me loopy.  I've never taken them before, except for my miscarriages, but I kind of liked them!  Happy to know I have some leftovers...anyway, just so glad it's over with and I can once again concentrate on moving forward.  Some good new though: my doc said we only need to wait until my next cycle before we can try with the IUI's again, so that was good news!!  So here we go again!  Lord give me strength....

I Know It's Going To Be Worth It..

My husband has a knack for pulling a song out of his mental song library that has the most perfect, meaningful lyrics, just when we need them.  This one pretty much sums it up.

Fail!

Today I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Or at least I should be.  I had my ultrasound today and.....there was no heartbeat.  Plus the embryo was measuring about a week behind schedule.  The radiologist gave me this ridiculous spiel about how I should come back in a week for another ultrasound, and that their is a small chance that things may turn out all for the baby.  It just sounded like a lot of BS to me though.  I know my dates aren't off, so there is just no way that would even be possible.  I kind of felt like this all was just too good to be true anyway.  I'm not even really feeling sad at the moment.  I didn't cry.  I'm mostly feeling numb.  And mad.  But mostly numb.  And since this situation is not new to us, it feels....unfortunately familiar.  How pathetic is that?!?  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a hole to crawl into and feel sorry for myself.