You know how sometimes you've heard a song a million times, and then one time you actually listen to the lyrics and you have your little "a-ha" moment. Well I had one of those moments last night, and I felt more than a little...well, daft.
Every December there is a Candlelight Ceremony held in my city that is for anyone who has lost a baby. It is put on by the local baby loss support group here. There's a speaker, they play a couple of songs, a poem is read, and then everyone takes their turn lighting a candle in memory of their baby. I will be honest. I still grieve for Harris, and my other lost pregnancies, but at this point in time I kind of feel indifferent about attending things like this service, or support group meetings (whether they be formal, or the more informal ones I've joined in recent months). I am just really at peace and acceptance with where we are at this point in our lives and what we have been through. I feel that we do our own things to remember Harris, and it's not as if I really NEED a ceremony to go to remember my baby boy. But I went, and my husband and daughter came with. I saw many of the same faces I've come to recognize over the past 21 months. Some of those faces are now pregnant with their rainbow babies. It's terrific for them, but there's always still that little jab of jealousy in my gut whenever I see someone's basketball belly, because I too want a basketball in my belly.
Anyways. Back to my daftness. So the first of the 2 songs they played that evening was an older country song by George Canyon called My Name. I've heard it a bunch of times before, but I sat and listened to the words, wondering how it really related to baby loss. As we were leaving the service, standing waiting for the elevators I told my husband that I didn't really get what the song was about. He explained it was from the unborn baby's point of view, and that as he was born he took God's hand and was told it wasn't his time yet. Well, the waterworks sure started then, I cried on the way home, and really ramped it up when I watched the video later that evening once I was home. So sad. I honestly had no idea that this song out there was about stillbirth.
The second song that was played that evening was by Daughtry called Gone Too Soon. It still kind of blows me away when I learn of songs that are out there that are about baby loss. It reminds me that there are SO MANY people out there that have been touched by the loss of a baby. And that even in those moments where I feel just so alone, I am not.
So I went. I enlightened myself with some song lyrics. I cried. I remembered. I loved him. I missed him. No regrets.
Any favorite songs out there that help you remember your babies?
