That's how long it's been since we lost Harris. To be completely honest, in this moment of time I am *mostly* at peace in my grief. I still miss him terribly, and each month I find myself reflecting on how old he would have been if he were still here, and what our life may have looked like with him in it.
But....
I have accepted that we will never know our son, and that we were never meant to. I believe he was not meant to be with us any longer than his short 22 weeks. I no longer blame myself, or count all of the "what if's" and "what may have been's". My grief no longer feels like a strange, foreign appendage. It is a part of me now, a part of what makes me me. I am mostly happy these days, but if I had to describe in one word how I am feeling about the loss...it would be peace.
The hurt of having lost our baby is still so tangible, but much, much less sharp than it was in the early days. The grief will sneak up on me some days. Pregnant women. The sight of a newborn. Someone asking if I just have the one child. These things used to be a guarantee to send me over the edge of my grief. Now I'm usually able to maintain my balance on that edge.
I mean, it was utterly heartbreaking, the pain of losing my child. I never imagined I would ever feel this way. I felt completely, and irrecoverably broken for a long, long time. At this point in time, I am pieced back together, but those cracks will be there forever.
These days I am also feeling hope. I am a realist by nature, but I hope and believe with my whole heart (and despite all of our struggles) that I will one day have another sweet baby to hold in my arms.
Peace and hope. That is right where I am.
This post was inspired by a project over here:
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Clomid Schmomid
Friday I met with my RE at the fertility clinic for a follow up appointment. I was totally nervous going into it, I had no idea what her plan would be for us next in terms of therapies. I had just completed my third cycle in a row of Clomid and IUI (since my miscarriage), all of which resulted in three big fat negatives, and am presently on my month long break from the drugs. I learned firsthand that Clomid does some wicked stuff to your body (except for in my case, make a baby). Like so many drugs, there is a long list of side effects that go hand in hand with taking it, and the side effects are compounded each consecutive month you are on them. I experienced some dizziness while taking it, and by the third month I was having blurry vision when I woke up in the mornings. Pretty disturbing, and apparently only 1.5% of people will experience this side effect. Lucky me! But the one that really got me were the crazy #%&@*% up dreams I would have each night from the day I started my drugs until nearing the end of my cycle. I'm not someone who normally remembers my dreams, but when I'm on Clomid I'll wake up remembering three or so very vivid, elaborate, long, completely messed up dreams. I've never done hard drugs before, but I imagine it must feel kind of similar. Really trippy!
Back to my RE's new plan....she decided that she is going to switch me to Femara (a cancer drug used off label for ovulation) instead of the Clomid along with IUI's for the next 2-3 months. We have both male and female factor infertility issues (me: low antral follicle count/low ovarian reserve, him: very poor sperm morphology). Because of this, my doc thought it would be in our best interest to skip the FSH + IUI step that would normally precede IVF, since it is significantly more costly, and because of my husband's lame sperm. After I do the Femara, and if I am still not pregnant after a few months, then we will once again reassess, but the next step for us would likely be IVF/ICSI. Part of me still can't believe that we are so close to the point of having to drop THOUSANDS of dollars to add another baby to our family. When it comes right down to it, I feel like we aren't going to let anything stand in our way of having another baby, regardless of how it ends up happening. But IVF just feels like such a big deal that I can't even begin to wrap my head around it at this point. I realize I am getting ahead of myself, but it's just my nature. I'm a planner, and thinking ahead is what I do. We've signed up to do an IVF information session, so hopefully we will get into that soon (there's a waiting list) and I will feel a little less freaked out about it all. And fingers crossed, maybe we won't even need to go!! I am kind of excited about trying something new next month, I just want this month to hurry up and be over with already (I'm also really impatient).
It's so difficult to put into words the emotions I go through each month, and I know the only people who really get it are other couples who are also struggling to get pregnant. I am so hopeful each month that it will be THE month where I will get a positive pregnancy test, and yet at the same time I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. Because lord knows, I've had them dashed too many times to count. It's to the point where I don't even cry anymore when I get my period. I'm crushed and devastated and depressed each time, but I think I'm just getting so used to it, that it's what I expect will happen. It makes me sad. I want to be optimistic about it all, but it's just so damn hard sometimes. Okay, pity party over.
Each month seems like it can go on forever when you're in infertility land.
Back to my RE's new plan....she decided that she is going to switch me to Femara (a cancer drug used off label for ovulation) instead of the Clomid along with IUI's for the next 2-3 months. We have both male and female factor infertility issues (me: low antral follicle count/low ovarian reserve, him: very poor sperm morphology). Because of this, my doc thought it would be in our best interest to skip the FSH + IUI step that would normally precede IVF, since it is significantly more costly, and because of my husband's lame sperm. After I do the Femara, and if I am still not pregnant after a few months, then we will once again reassess, but the next step for us would likely be IVF/ICSI. Part of me still can't believe that we are so close to the point of having to drop THOUSANDS of dollars to add another baby to our family. When it comes right down to it, I feel like we aren't going to let anything stand in our way of having another baby, regardless of how it ends up happening. But IVF just feels like such a big deal that I can't even begin to wrap my head around it at this point. I realize I am getting ahead of myself, but it's just my nature. I'm a planner, and thinking ahead is what I do. We've signed up to do an IVF information session, so hopefully we will get into that soon (there's a waiting list) and I will feel a little less freaked out about it all. And fingers crossed, maybe we won't even need to go!! I am kind of excited about trying something new next month, I just want this month to hurry up and be over with already (I'm also really impatient).
It's so difficult to put into words the emotions I go through each month, and I know the only people who really get it are other couples who are also struggling to get pregnant. I am so hopeful each month that it will be THE month where I will get a positive pregnancy test, and yet at the same time I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. Because lord knows, I've had them dashed too many times to count. It's to the point where I don't even cry anymore when I get my period. I'm crushed and devastated and depressed each time, but I think I'm just getting so used to it, that it's what I expect will happen. It makes me sad. I want to be optimistic about it all, but it's just so damn hard sometimes. Okay, pity party over.
Each month seems like it can go on forever when you're in infertility land.
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
Mother's Day
Overall, I actually had a really nice Mother's Day this year, which was a nice surprise. We headed to my "home" in Saskatchewan and stayed at my sister's place. I got wonderful presents from Rowan, one of which was a round box with a poem and her picture on it that was filled with Hershey's kisses. She made this at preschool and it was just a wonderful Mother's Day surprise. It made me look forward to all of the fabulous handmade gifts I will likely receive in the future!
My sister made a fantastic gourmet brunch on Sunday (I'm seriously still salivating over it), and my own mom came up to spend the day with us. It was a great visit, but my mom and I unfortunately have a strained relationship. If nothing else, I have taken away many lessons from it as to what kind of mother I want to be to my own daughter. I feel that I'm at least conscious of my aspirations of mothering, so hopefully thirty years from now, Rowan will think I'm at least not half bad.
Sunday was an unseasonably warm day out, so we spent much of it outside at the park and taking the dogs for a walk. I love this stage that Rowan is at right now, such a little girl with such a strong personality. She gave me lots of spontaneous "I love you"'s and hugs and even a "you're my best mommy". These are the moments that make my heart melt and make me so happy to be a mum.
Mother's Day is a day that will always be bittersweet for me from now on. I am so grateful to have my daughter, and to be able to watch her learn, grow and to have the opportunity to just be her mum. On the other hand, there will always be those thoughts that I am in fact also a mother to a son, one that I will never get to celebrate with, or get special handmade mother's day presents from. It is definitely hard, but the pain is much less sharp than it was at this time last year.
I try to remind myself that I am in fact, so blessed to at least have one child I can physically hold in my arms on this day. There are many women out there (some of whom I know personally) that may not be considered in others eyes to be a mother as they have no living children. Those of us who have lost babies know emphatically that this is just not true. In fact, I recall an incident when Mother's Day rolled around when I was pregnant with Rowan. A couple of coworkers for some reason felt the need to tell me that at four months pregnant, I was not in fact, a mother. I was hurt by this, and I did feel that that was in a way my first Mother's Day. I mean, I was growing a human in my body. If I wasn't a mother, then what the heck was I??? I don't believe that you become a mother the moment your child is born. I believe that if you are pregnant, (or if you have come to be a parent in any other way) then you are a mother. As I'm sure anyone who has experienced a loss can attest to, some people can just be incredibly ignorant.
Thinking lots about all of the mums out there who are missing their babes. Fingers crossed, *MAYBE* this time next year I will have two children to hold on this special day.
My sister made a fantastic gourmet brunch on Sunday (I'm seriously still salivating over it), and my own mom came up to spend the day with us. It was a great visit, but my mom and I unfortunately have a strained relationship. If nothing else, I have taken away many lessons from it as to what kind of mother I want to be to my own daughter. I feel that I'm at least conscious of my aspirations of mothering, so hopefully thirty years from now, Rowan will think I'm at least not half bad.
Sunday was an unseasonably warm day out, so we spent much of it outside at the park and taking the dogs for a walk. I love this stage that Rowan is at right now, such a little girl with such a strong personality. She gave me lots of spontaneous "I love you"'s and hugs and even a "you're my best mommy". These are the moments that make my heart melt and make me so happy to be a mum.
Mother's Day is a day that will always be bittersweet for me from now on. I am so grateful to have my daughter, and to be able to watch her learn, grow and to have the opportunity to just be her mum. On the other hand, there will always be those thoughts that I am in fact also a mother to a son, one that I will never get to celebrate with, or get special handmade mother's day presents from. It is definitely hard, but the pain is much less sharp than it was at this time last year.
I try to remind myself that I am in fact, so blessed to at least have one child I can physically hold in my arms on this day. There are many women out there (some of whom I know personally) that may not be considered in others eyes to be a mother as they have no living children. Those of us who have lost babies know emphatically that this is just not true. In fact, I recall an incident when Mother's Day rolled around when I was pregnant with Rowan. A couple of coworkers for some reason felt the need to tell me that at four months pregnant, I was not in fact, a mother. I was hurt by this, and I did feel that that was in a way my first Mother's Day. I mean, I was growing a human in my body. If I wasn't a mother, then what the heck was I??? I don't believe that you become a mother the moment your child is born. I believe that if you are pregnant, (or if you have come to be a parent in any other way) then you are a mother. As I'm sure anyone who has experienced a loss can attest to, some people can just be incredibly ignorant.
Thinking lots about all of the mums out there who are missing their babes. Fingers crossed, *MAYBE* this time next year I will have two children to hold on this special day.
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Lessons
It has been 414 days since we lost our son Harris to stillbirth. In the last year and a bit, I have spent much time contemplating the loss of our son and what we can take away from his loss. I have learned many things, here are a few of which stick out in my mind:
I've mulled over starting a blog countless times since we lost our son. I was completely broken and could not comprehend that I would ever one day feel "normal" again. In the early days of my grief, I read anything I could get my hands on about pregnancy loss, stillbirth and grief, including many baby loss blogs. It was comforting for me to read the words of other women who were in similar boats as I was, and know that I was not alone. So here I am today, sharing a little about my story, venting about my struggles and writing about my journey to one day hopefully expand our family.
- Life just isn't fair!!!
- Bad things happen to good people, and vice versa.
- Tragedies don't occur because we deserve them. I don't really believe in the deserved-ness of Karma.
- Karma now really seems to me to be an excuse for people to wish ill-will onto others. Not cool.
- I have come to believe that we are really on a predetermined path in life.
- I believe that our souls have chosen this life as a means of learning different lessons on Earth. That I am here right now to go through these experiences for a reason.
- We don't have as much control over our lives as we'd like to believe. When I accept the lack of control I have over how my family will be created and what it will ultimately look like, it makes things (a tiny bit) easier.
- If you don't have hope in life, you've got nothing.
- When thinking "Why me?", I remember "Why not me?"
- I am much stronger and more resilient than I ever imagined.
I've mulled over starting a blog countless times since we lost our son. I was completely broken and could not comprehend that I would ever one day feel "normal" again. In the early days of my grief, I read anything I could get my hands on about pregnancy loss, stillbirth and grief, including many baby loss blogs. It was comforting for me to read the words of other women who were in similar boats as I was, and know that I was not alone. So here I am today, sharing a little about my story, venting about my struggles and writing about my journey to one day hopefully expand our family.
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