Friday I met with my RE at the fertility clinic for a follow up appointment. I was totally nervous going into it, I had no idea what her plan would be for us next in terms of therapies. I had just completed my third cycle in a row of Clomid and IUI (since my miscarriage), all of which resulted in three big fat negatives, and am presently on my month long break from the drugs. I learned firsthand that Clomid does some wicked stuff to your body (except for in my case, make a baby). Like so many drugs, there is a long list of side effects that go hand in hand with taking it, and the side effects are compounded each consecutive month you are on them. I experienced some dizziness while taking it, and by the third month I was having blurry vision when I woke up in the mornings. Pretty disturbing, and apparently only 1.5% of people will experience this side effect. Lucky me! But the one that really got me were the crazy #%&@*% up dreams I would have each night from the day I started my drugs until nearing the end of my cycle. I'm not someone who normally remembers my dreams, but when I'm on Clomid I'll wake up remembering three or so very vivid, elaborate, long, completely messed up dreams. I've never done hard drugs before, but I imagine it must feel kind of similar. Really trippy!
Back to my RE's new plan....she decided that she is going to switch me to Femara (a cancer drug used off label for ovulation) instead of the Clomid along with IUI's for the next 2-3 months. We have both male and female factor infertility issues (me: low antral follicle count/low ovarian reserve, him: very poor sperm morphology). Because of this, my doc thought it would be in our best interest to skip the FSH + IUI step that would normally precede IVF, since it is significantly more costly, and because of my husband's lame sperm. After I do the Femara, and if I am still not pregnant after a few months, then we will once again reassess, but the next step for us would likely be IVF/ICSI. Part of me still can't believe that we are so close to the point of having to drop THOUSANDS of dollars to add another baby to our family. When it comes right down to it, I feel like we aren't going to let anything stand in our way of having another baby, regardless of how it ends up happening. But IVF just feels like such a big deal that I can't even begin to wrap my head around it at this point. I realize I am getting ahead of myself, but it's just my nature. I'm a planner, and thinking ahead is what I do. We've signed up to do an IVF information session, so hopefully we will get into that soon (there's a waiting list) and I will feel a little less freaked out about it all. And fingers crossed, maybe we won't even need to go!! I am kind of excited about trying something new next month, I just want this month to hurry up and be over with already (I'm also really impatient).
It's so difficult to put into words the emotions I go through each month, and I know the only people who really get it are other couples who are also struggling to get pregnant. I am so hopeful each month that it will be THE month where I will get a positive pregnancy test, and yet at the same time I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. Because lord knows, I've had them dashed too many times to count. It's to the point where I don't even cry anymore when I get my period. I'm crushed and devastated and depressed each time, but I think I'm just getting so used to it, that it's what I expect will happen. It makes me sad. I want to be optimistic about it all, but it's just so damn hard sometimes. Okay, pity party over.
Each month seems like it can go on forever when you're in infertility land.
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