Gravida 4, Para 1

So it's finally over with.  The new familiarity of our situation feels somewhat unsettling.  Sunday afternoon I took the Misoprostol, and by Monday morning I miscarried our baby.  It took a little longer than last time (my last miscarriage was over with in a couple of hours once I took the medication), but I would still go this route again, God forbid I ever need to.  For me it was much less traumatic to be on my own couch at home, watching movies, curled up with my heating pad, than having to schedule a D&C at the hospital.  I work in a medical lab, so having to collect the "tissue" for me wasn't even that traumatic.  And Tylenol 3's apparently make me loopy.  I've never taken them before, except for my miscarriages, but I kind of liked them!  Happy to know I have some leftovers...anyway, just so glad it's over with and I can once again concentrate on moving forward.  Some good new though: my doc said we only need to wait until my next cycle before we can try with the IUI's again, so that was good news!!  So here we go again!  Lord give me strength....

I Know It's Going To Be Worth It..

My husband has a knack for pulling a song out of his mental song library that has the most perfect, meaningful lyrics, just when we need them.  This one pretty much sums it up.

Fail!

Today I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Or at least I should be.  I had my ultrasound today and.....there was no heartbeat.  Plus the embryo was measuring about a week behind schedule.  The radiologist gave me this ridiculous spiel about how I should come back in a week for another ultrasound, and that their is a small chance that things may turn out all for the baby.  It just sounded like a lot of BS to me though.  I know my dates aren't off, so there is just no way that would even be possible.  I kind of felt like this all was just too good to be true anyway.  I'm not even really feeling sad at the moment.  I didn't cry.  I'm mostly feeling numb.  And mad.  But mostly numb.  And since this situation is not new to us, it feels....unfortunately familiar.  How pathetic is that?!?  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a hole to crawl into and feel sorry for myself.

Holy Shit Balls!

Well it's been a whole 18 days that I've been sitting on this little nugget.  The only reason I haven't shared until now is because I've been  Just. So. Tired.  I've had a nap every single day that I haven't been working since I found out.  And I don't nap.  Ever.  Definitely taking that as a good sign!  I'm also feeling nauseated, and am welcoming any dreadful pregnancy symptoms since I didn't experience any in the last pregnancy that resulted in miscarriage.  I go for an ultrasound next week, and until that's over with I can't help but being overcome with waves of anxiety about all of the potential "what if's".  Wish me luck, I'm praying that this one sticks and brings me a healthy, live, full term baby come February.  **Sigh**  One day at a time....

Anyway, here's how it all panned out when I found out...

I usually can't help myself and will end up testing a few days before my period's even due.  Needless to say, I've wasted a lot of money on negative pregnancy tests.  This month was a little different.  You see, I wasn't going to get pregnant this month.  I was on my month off of the fertility drugs and IUI's.  I needed a mental break from it all, so I also had taken a break from going to see my acupuncturist, the body talk sessions, my fertility massage therapist, my massage therapist that works in the voodoo room that everyone falls pregnant in.  I didn't use the OPK's this month.  I even ovulated on my "dud" side which is my left ovary.  I was having my caffeine.  I even had a beer or two.  I mean, I wasn't going to be pregnant anyway!!  Aside from obviously having sex with my husband at approximately the right time of the month, I can't even fathom how I became pregnant this month of all months.  So on day 27 when my period was nowhere in sight, I peed on that little blue and white stick and the universe said "HA!".

Now before you start in telling me that all I needed was to "stop obsessing over getting pregnant!" or "you just needed to relax!", I don't believe any of that ridiculousness.  Infertility is a real, actual problem and I can guarantee that the fertility clinic in my city doesn't see hundreds of couples each year just because they happen to be uptight and in need of a vacation.  Apparently my own sisters were discussing my situation and concluded that I was just trying too hard to get pregnant.  That was a good one (of course now they are gloating though)!  Trying too hard....so I should have tried less hard to get pregnant even though we both have issues that can make getting pregnant difficult?  Seriously, come on!  What I believe is that for whatever reason, this just happened to be the month it was meant to happen for us.  I have absolutely no idea why, but I couldn't be more pleased!  It was a fantastic surprise.

Once I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't help but think back to the conversation Rowan and I had just a few days prior (see my last post).  Maybe Rowan was right about that sister after all...

Faith

This morning Rowan was sitting watching one of her shows and looking glum.  "How come you look so sad?" I asked.  "I miss baby Harris" she replied.  I hugged her as she listed off a few things she would be doing with him as a baby if he were here with us now.  Later in the afternoon, she mentioned again how she was missing baby Harris.  I'm so sad for her that she isn't getting to have the experience of being a big sister, but it brings me happiness to know that she thinks about her brother.

For many of the past few months, Rowan has frequently talked about her sister.  As an only child (of the earthly variety), I assume she is talking about a sibling she may potentially have in the future.  In fact, she so often talks about this sister, she almost has me believing it.  She'll often talk about saving an outgrown pair of shoes or toy for her sister, or telling me that one day she will show her sister how to do something.  We've talked to her numerous times about how we hope that one day we will have another baby, and that she will get to have another sibling, but that it's not possible to pick if a baby will be a boy or girl.  

After dinner this evening, we had an extremely interesting conversation.  I was sitting on the chair in my living room and she comes over and hugs me and tells me "You're my best Mommy".  Then she said "I missed you."

"What do you mean you missed me?  I've been here with you all day."

"I missed you when I was away."

"You weren't away, you were here all day with me."

"No!  I missed you when I wasn't in your tummy."  

"You missed me when you weren't in my tummy?  Do you mean after you were born?"

"I missed you when I was with the other babies who were away."


A shiver went up my spine....


"What do you mean?  Do you mean you missed me after you were born?  You stayed with me the whole time.  We were still together even after you weren't in my tummy."

"No!  When I was with the other babies who were away."

"What other babies that are away?"

"The babies that are away!!!"  (At this point she's getting really frustrated at me for not understanding)

"Do you mean before you were in my tummy?"

"Yes!  I missed you when I was away."


More shivers....I believe I am understanding what she is trying to say.  Or at the very least, I am drawing my own conclusions.


"Did you choose me & Daddy when you were away?" 

"Yes, I chose you from a box." (hmmmm.....)


"Do you think Daddy and I have another baby that's away that will be in my tummy some day?"

"Yes.  A sister."


And so I have faith.

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 2 months, 5 days

That's how long it's been since we lost Harris.  To be completely honest, in this moment of time I am *mostly* at peace in my grief.  I still miss him terribly, and each month I find myself reflecting on how old he would have been if he were still here, and what our life may have looked like with him in it.

But....

I have accepted that we will never know our son, and that we were never meant to.  I believe he was not meant to be with us any longer than his short 22 weeks.  I no longer blame myself, or count all of the "what if's" and "what may have been's".  My grief no longer feels like a strange, foreign appendage.  It is a part of me now, a part of what makes me me.  I am mostly happy these days, but if I had to describe in one word how I am feeling about the loss...it would be peace.

The hurt of having lost our baby is still so tangible, but much, much less sharp than it was in the early days.  The grief will sneak up on me some days.  Pregnant women.  The sight of a newborn.  Someone asking if I just have the one child.  These things used to be a guarantee to send me over the edge of my grief.  Now I'm usually able to maintain my balance on that edge. 

I mean, it was utterly heartbreaking, the pain of losing my child.  I never imagined I would ever feel this way.  I felt completely, and irrecoverably broken for a long, long time.  At this point in time, I am pieced back together, but those cracks will be there forever.

These days I am also feeling hope.  I am a realist by nature, but I hope and believe with my whole heart (and despite all of our struggles) that I will one day have another sweet baby to hold in my arms.

Peace and hope.  That is right where I am.


This post was inspired by a project over here:

Clomid Schmomid

Friday I met with my RE at the fertility clinic for a follow up appointment. I was totally nervous going into it, I had no idea what her plan would be for us next in terms of therapies. I had just completed my third cycle in a row of Clomid and IUI (since my miscarriage), all of which resulted in three big fat negatives, and am presently on my month long break from the drugs.  I learned firsthand that Clomid does some wicked stuff to your body (except for in my case, make a baby).  Like so many drugs, there is a long list of side effects that go hand in hand with taking it, and the side effects are compounded each consecutive month you are on them.  I experienced some dizziness while taking it, and by the third month I was having blurry vision when I woke up in the mornings.  Pretty disturbing, and apparently only 1.5% of people will experience this side effect.  Lucky me!  But the one that really got me were the crazy #%&@*% up dreams I would have each night from the day I started my drugs until nearing the end of my cycle.  I'm not someone who normally remembers my dreams, but when I'm on Clomid I'll wake up remembering three or so very vivid, elaborate, long, completely messed up dreams.  I've never done hard drugs before, but I imagine it must feel kind of similar.  Really trippy!

Back to my RE's new plan....she decided that she is going to switch me to Femara (a cancer drug used off label for ovulation) instead of the Clomid along with IUI's for the next 2-3 months.  We have both male and female factor infertility issues (me: low antral follicle count/low ovarian reserve, him: very poor sperm morphology).  Because of this, my doc thought it would be in our best interest to skip the FSH + IUI step that would normally precede IVF, since it is significantly more costly, and because of my husband's lame sperm.  After I do the Femara, and if I am still not pregnant after a few months, then we will once again reassess, but the next step for us would likely be IVF/ICSI.  Part of me still can't believe that we are so close to the point of having to drop THOUSANDS of dollars to add another baby to our family.  When it comes right down to it, I feel like we aren't going to let anything stand in our way of having another baby, regardless of how it ends up happening.  But IVF just feels like such a big deal that I can't even begin to wrap my head around it at this point.  I realize I am getting ahead of myself, but it's just my nature.  I'm a planner, and thinking ahead is what I do.  We've signed up to do an IVF information session, so hopefully we will get into that soon (there's a waiting list) and I will feel a little less freaked out about it all.  And fingers crossed, maybe we won't even need to go!!  I am kind of excited about trying something new next month, I just want this month to hurry up and be over with already (I'm also really impatient).

It's so difficult to put into words the emotions I go through each month, and I know the only people who really get it are other couples who are also struggling to get pregnant.  I am so hopeful each month that it will be THE month where I will get a positive pregnancy test, and yet at the same time I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. Because lord knows, I've had them dashed too many times to count.  It's to the point where I don't even cry anymore when I get my period.  I'm crushed and devastated and depressed each time, but I think I'm just getting so used to it, that it's what I expect will happen.  It makes me sad.  I want to be optimistic about it all, but it's just so damn hard sometimes.  Okay, pity party over.

Each month seems like it can go on forever when you're in infertility land.