"A-ha"

You know how sometimes you've heard a song a million times, and then one time you actually listen to the lyrics and you have your little "a-ha" moment.  Well I had one of those moments last night, and I felt more than a little...well, daft.

Every December there is a Candlelight Ceremony held in my city that is for anyone who has lost a baby.  It is put on by the local baby loss support group here.  There's a speaker, they play a couple of songs, a poem is read, and then everyone takes their turn lighting a candle in memory of their baby.  I will be honest.  I still grieve for Harris, and my other lost pregnancies, but at this point in time I kind of feel indifferent about attending things like this service, or support group meetings (whether they be formal, or the more informal ones I've joined in recent months).  I am just really at peace and acceptance with where we are at this point in our lives and what we have been through.  I feel that we do our own things to remember Harris, and it's not as if I really NEED a ceremony to go to remember my baby boy.  But I went, and my husband and daughter came with.  I saw many of the same faces I've come to recognize over the past 21 months.  Some of those faces are now pregnant with their rainbow babies.  It's terrific for them, but there's always still that little jab of jealousy in my gut whenever I see someone's basketball belly, because I too want a basketball in my belly.

Anyways.  Back to my daftness.  So the first of the 2 songs they played that evening was an older country song by George Canyon called My Name.  I've heard it a bunch of times before, but I sat and listened to the words, wondering how it really related to baby loss.  As we were leaving the service, standing waiting for the elevators I told my husband that I didn't really get what the song was about.  He explained it was from the unborn baby's point of view, and that as he was born he took God's hand and was told it wasn't his time yet.  Well, the waterworks sure started then, I cried on the way home, and really ramped it up when I watched the video later that evening once I was home.  So sad.  I honestly had no idea that this song out there was about stillbirth.

The second song that was played that evening was by Daughtry called Gone Too Soon.  It still kind of blows me away when I learn of songs that are out there that are about baby loss.  It reminds me that there are SO MANY people out there that have been touched by the loss of a baby.  And that even in those moments where I feel just so alone, I am not.

So I went.  I enlightened myself with some song lyrics.  I cried.  I remembered.  I loved him.  I missed him.  No regrets.

Any favorite songs out there that help you remember your babies?

Harris' Tree

I'm back!  Here's just a short little post to get me jump started again...

Last year some awesome, caring friends all pitched in and got us a gift card to get a tree in memory of Harris.  We planted it in our backyard in June of last year.  It's a Laurel Leaf Willow, a tree that I've often admired because they grow very full and wide.  Last winter was a hard year on the trees where I live.  Come spring, Harris' tree didn't look very good.  In fact, I was pretty sure it was dead.  We contemplated taking it back and getting a new one since it had a one year warranty on it.  Obviously, it had huge sentimental value on it, so instead, Dan decided to just cut it back and see what happened. 

It then looked like this:

Super sad right??  Luckily, our next door neighbour is like a tree genius and about 6 weeks later our tree looked like this:

Super amazing right?  Turns out his tree was pretty resilient too.  Just like me!
 
 
 

His angel and memorial stone that sit at the base of his tree.  

Surprise! It's Me, Grief!

Sometimes the grief just sneaks up on you.  Like this past weekend.  We headed out of town for the weekend to go camping with some other families who all have kids the same age as our daughter.  We were all looking forward to hanging out with our friends and just having a relaxing time in the outdoors.  On the way to the campground, me and the fam stopped for lunch at a little diner-type restaurant.  I was just feeling in a funk that morning and couldn't really figure out why.  I actually started crying in the middle of our lunch....perhaps I was still suffering from the hormone crash?  I hate that feeling of being so down, and not being able to pinpoint the reason why.  Or in hindsight I think I was kind of ignoring the reason(s) why. 

You see, this past Sunday was supposed to be my due date for the pregnancy I lost during my first miscarriage.  I shouldn't have even been on that camping trip.  And then two days after that was what should have been Harris' one year birthday.  Another reason I should have been at home that weekend.  When I initially found out that pregnancy #3's due date was just a year minus two days from Harris' due date, I kind of felt it was serendipitous.  A good sign.  Rowan's first birthday was such a big deal for me and I loved every minute of planning her party and making it perfect.  So thinking about what we SHOULD have been doing this past weekend was kind of despairing to say the least. 

So ok, I figured out why I was feeling so lousy, and I think I was allowed.  It's funny though, even though I knew these "dates" were looming, I just wasn't really expecting them to get to me so much.

I am still feeling ok after this last miscarriage.  Still haven't really shed any tears over it.  Don't get me wrong, it super sucks and I don't like this path we are on, but it is what it is.  It kind of feels odd to me, the lack of utter devastation that just isn't there this time.  Maybe I'm now so hardened inside that I'm just not as easily affected by huge disappointments?  I don't know if this is "normal", but it is truthfully just how I am feeling these days.

Gravida 4, Para 1

So it's finally over with.  The new familiarity of our situation feels somewhat unsettling.  Sunday afternoon I took the Misoprostol, and by Monday morning I miscarried our baby.  It took a little longer than last time (my last miscarriage was over with in a couple of hours once I took the medication), but I would still go this route again, God forbid I ever need to.  For me it was much less traumatic to be on my own couch at home, watching movies, curled up with my heating pad, than having to schedule a D&C at the hospital.  I work in a medical lab, so having to collect the "tissue" for me wasn't even that traumatic.  And Tylenol 3's apparently make me loopy.  I've never taken them before, except for my miscarriages, but I kind of liked them!  Happy to know I have some leftovers...anyway, just so glad it's over with and I can once again concentrate on moving forward.  Some good new though: my doc said we only need to wait until my next cycle before we can try with the IUI's again, so that was good news!!  So here we go again!  Lord give me strength....

I Know It's Going To Be Worth It..

My husband has a knack for pulling a song out of his mental song library that has the most perfect, meaningful lyrics, just when we need them.  This one pretty much sums it up.

Fail!

Today I am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Or at least I should be.  I had my ultrasound today and.....there was no heartbeat.  Plus the embryo was measuring about a week behind schedule.  The radiologist gave me this ridiculous spiel about how I should come back in a week for another ultrasound, and that their is a small chance that things may turn out all for the baby.  It just sounded like a lot of BS to me though.  I know my dates aren't off, so there is just no way that would even be possible.  I kind of felt like this all was just too good to be true anyway.  I'm not even really feeling sad at the moment.  I didn't cry.  I'm mostly feeling numb.  And mad.  But mostly numb.  And since this situation is not new to us, it feels....unfortunately familiar.  How pathetic is that?!?  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a hole to crawl into and feel sorry for myself.

Holy Shit Balls!

Well it's been a whole 18 days that I've been sitting on this little nugget.  The only reason I haven't shared until now is because I've been  Just. So. Tired.  I've had a nap every single day that I haven't been working since I found out.  And I don't nap.  Ever.  Definitely taking that as a good sign!  I'm also feeling nauseated, and am welcoming any dreadful pregnancy symptoms since I didn't experience any in the last pregnancy that resulted in miscarriage.  I go for an ultrasound next week, and until that's over with I can't help but being overcome with waves of anxiety about all of the potential "what if's".  Wish me luck, I'm praying that this one sticks and brings me a healthy, live, full term baby come February.  **Sigh**  One day at a time....

Anyway, here's how it all panned out when I found out...

I usually can't help myself and will end up testing a few days before my period's even due.  Needless to say, I've wasted a lot of money on negative pregnancy tests.  This month was a little different.  You see, I wasn't going to get pregnant this month.  I was on my month off of the fertility drugs and IUI's.  I needed a mental break from it all, so I also had taken a break from going to see my acupuncturist, the body talk sessions, my fertility massage therapist, my massage therapist that works in the voodoo room that everyone falls pregnant in.  I didn't use the OPK's this month.  I even ovulated on my "dud" side which is my left ovary.  I was having my caffeine.  I even had a beer or two.  I mean, I wasn't going to be pregnant anyway!!  Aside from obviously having sex with my husband at approximately the right time of the month, I can't even fathom how I became pregnant this month of all months.  So on day 27 when my period was nowhere in sight, I peed on that little blue and white stick and the universe said "HA!".

Now before you start in telling me that all I needed was to "stop obsessing over getting pregnant!" or "you just needed to relax!", I don't believe any of that ridiculousness.  Infertility is a real, actual problem and I can guarantee that the fertility clinic in my city doesn't see hundreds of couples each year just because they happen to be uptight and in need of a vacation.  Apparently my own sisters were discussing my situation and concluded that I was just trying too hard to get pregnant.  That was a good one (of course now they are gloating though)!  Trying too hard....so I should have tried less hard to get pregnant even though we both have issues that can make getting pregnant difficult?  Seriously, come on!  What I believe is that for whatever reason, this just happened to be the month it was meant to happen for us.  I have absolutely no idea why, but I couldn't be more pleased!  It was a fantastic surprise.

Once I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't help but think back to the conversation Rowan and I had just a few days prior (see my last post).  Maybe Rowan was right about that sister after all...