Hope vs. Belief

A week before Christmas I found out I was pregnant yet again.  My fifth pregnancy.  I took a second home pregnancy test two days after I found out I was pregnant.  The stick now showed a weak positive.  The following day another test showed a negative.  I knew I was pregnant for the 5th time for a grand total of three whole days.  My third early miscarriage in exactly the span of one year.  In those three days, I became excited for that new life.  I was due in August.  I'd be on maternity leave for my daughter's first year of kindergarten!  I'd already thought through the next 8 months + 1 year.  I can't help it, that's what I do.  And I honestly felt that this time was going to be good.  I BELIEVED that this time I was going to take home a baby.  And it turned out to be so far from the truth.  I got my "period" about a week late, a plain old, no drama, normal period, as if the pregnancy was never even real in the first place.

I have a good friend who is what I describe as intuitively sensitive.  She reads cards and does chakra and aura readings, etc.  She believes that what we struggle with in life is because we don't truly believe in it.  In my case, she figures I don't honestly believe I can get pregnant or have a baby.  I'm just not totally sold on this idea, I don't really believe that this is how the world works...there is just too much sadness in the world that I just can't chalk up to individual's positive thinking.

I saw a medium last month.  I believe she was legit.  She told me Harris' soul is coming back to me and she saw me getting pregnant in the next 4-6 weeks.  It was 2.5 weeks later when I found out I was pregnant.  I believed in it.  She gave me hope.  For the first time, I felt myself really believing that good things were going to happen, and that I would indeed be pregnant and have another baby.  And then I was.  And I had so much faith.  And then I wasn't.  And then I felt very faithless.  It's so much work to build yourself up in hope to only have it shattered time and time again.  And yet.  And yet I am still not at the end of my rope.  I don't feel it at this moment, but I know I must once again dig deep to find the strength to persevere and try yet again to have our rainbow baby.  Because that is what I want, and come hell or high water, we are going to have our baby.  I pray for strength and grace and patience while seeking out hope in every eternal four week cycle.