Sometimes the grief just sneaks up on you. Like this past weekend. We headed out of town for the weekend to go camping with some other families who all have kids the same age as our daughter. We were all looking forward to hanging out with our friends and just having a relaxing time in the outdoors. On the way to the campground, me and the fam stopped for lunch at a little diner-type restaurant. I was just feeling in a funk that morning and couldn't really figure out why. I actually started crying in the middle of our lunch....perhaps I was still suffering from the hormone crash? I hate that feeling of being so down, and not being able to pinpoint the reason why. Or in hindsight I think I was kind of ignoring the reason(s) why.
You see, this past Sunday was supposed to be my due date for the pregnancy I lost during my first miscarriage. I shouldn't have even been on that camping trip. And then two days after that was what should have been Harris' one year birthday. Another reason I should have been at home that weekend. When I initially found out that pregnancy #3's due date was just a year minus two days from Harris' due date, I kind of felt it was serendipitous. A good sign. Rowan's first birthday was such a big deal for me and I loved every minute of planning her party and making it perfect. So thinking about what we SHOULD have been doing this past weekend was kind of despairing to say the least.
So ok, I figured out why I was feeling so lousy, and I think I was allowed. It's funny though, even though I knew these "dates" were looming, I just wasn't really expecting them to get to me so much.
I am still feeling ok after this last miscarriage. Still haven't really shed any tears over it. Don't get me wrong, it super sucks and I don't like this path we are on, but it is what it is. It kind of feels odd to me, the lack of utter devastation that just isn't there this time. Maybe I'm now so hardened inside that I'm just not as easily affected by huge disappointments? I don't know if this is "normal", but it is truthfully just how I am feeling these days.
I'm sorry you had a tough time last weekend. Grief can rear its ugly head very easily. Like last week for me... I was completely shattered and felt so overwhelmed with life... sometimes everything just catches up with you when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry how you feel hardened inside with lack of emotions for your most recent loss. It could just be a defense mechanism to save you from the pain right now.. but you never know if or when it might hit you. It just sucks whenever it does.
I'm excited that you are able to start trying again soon. I pray for you all the time.